Who else out there laughs every time they see one of these Trojan commercials?
Their newest product, "Trojan Ecstasy," with the slogan "Feels like nothing is there" is
just aching for something terrible to happen.
To whom it may concern,
I've been beginning to have these unsettling feelings
lately and I feel your company is to blame. You see, whenever
I'm urinating, I experience a certain painful irritation that I
have never experienced before in my entire life. The best way
to describe it is to say that my excretory fluid is filled with
millions of microscopic razor blades tearing at the inside of
my urethra whenever nature calls.
Why are you to blame? Well, I've recently discovered
your Trojan ectasy condoms from the random women that hang
around the local auto parts store at night. I'm always talking
with them and they hold your Ectasy condoms in high esteem. So
based on their recommendation, I decided that the next time I
have sexual intercourse, it will be using a Trojan Ectasy
condom.
So, the other night I was ready to "do the deed" with
one of my "dates". I followed the instructions carefully and
was ready to commence a coital adventure that I will never
forget. The feeling was as intense as ever. It really felt like
nothing was there! Little did I know I was very much correct;
After climaxing, I pulled myself out and realized that the
condom was laying there shriveled up on the tiled floor.
Stunned but grossly satisfied, I surreptiously kicked the
wayward latex underneath the table and quickly escorted
"Roberta" back to Pep Boys.
Your slogan: "it feels like that there is nothing
there," is not only completely true, but also the reason for my
agonizing bathroom trips. If it wasn't for your apparitional
condoms, I wouldn't be scheduling an appointment with my
physician. I feel some sort of compensation is required on your
behalf.
Sincerely,
Frank
Dear Mr. Couso:
We have received your report of irritation after using Trojan® Lubricated Condoms.
We are very sorry to learn that your experience with our product was not completely
satisfactory. We utilize meticulous quality control and testing methods for our
products just to prevent such conditions as you describe.
We state on our packaging that no contraceptive provides 100% protection and also
state the following warning "...Do not use a petroleum based jelly, cold cream, or any
other oil based products with latex (rubber) condoms." We also recommend that they
be kept away from excessive heat - store at room temperature.
Since we cannot properly test opened merchandise, we would appreciate it if you
would mail to us any remaining unopened packets, so that we may have an
opportunity to examine them. We have sent via postal mail a postage-paid mailing
label and padded envelope for your convenience. We would also appreciate it if you
would provide us with the date code flap embossed on one end of the box.
Although we cannot assume any responsibility in this matter, as a gesture of
goodwill, we have sent a refund for the product you purchased. Again, thank you for
taking the time to contact us. We value your patronage and trust you will continue
to purchase Church & Dwight Co., Inc. products.
Tyisha Clark
Consumer Relations Representative
Hello Tyisha,
Thank you for your timely, descriptive response - your
sincere apology has gone a long way to warm my heart.
Unfortunately, words cannot cure the fiery sensation that I am
forced to endure whenever I urinate.
Using my trusty magnifying glass, I closely examined your
packaging and now I do realize that it states "no contraceptive
provides 100% protection." How foolhardy it was of me to ignore
such an obvious forebodement. Perhaps next time I'll remember
to search for the warnings that are camouflaged in the brightly
colored packaging.
I look forward to receiving the postage paid padded
envelope. Along with all the materials you've specified,
I will also send you the aforementioned used merchandise. Now I
understand that your scientists cannot properly test condoms
after they've been used, but I have faith that technology will
one day provide us with the means of doing so. I'm sure that
the used merchandise, if kept in cold storage, will retain all
of its chemical qualities and will be ready for testing once
proper means are procured.
I would also like to thank you for your gesture of goodwill
in sending me a refund for your defective product. I'm sure the
$8.99 I paid for the package of condoms will cover all of my
medical costs and laboratory work.
Thanks again,
Frank
Dear Mr. Couso:
Thank you for your follow up email regarding your irritation after using our
Trojan® Condom.
Since we cannot properly test opened merchandise, we would appreciate it if you
would mail to us any remaining unopened packets along with the date code flap
embossed on one end of the box.
We value your patronage and trust you will continue to purchase Church & Dwight
Co., Inc. products with confidence.
Tyisha Clark
Consumer Relations Representative
Hello again Tyisha,
Thank you for the response and I understand there are some apprehensions with
mailing "opened merchandise". So trying to rectify this situation, I've been
brainstorming this issue for quite some time now and I have come to conceive that
there is a proper technique to sending the used goods.
Now I have been studying the effects of sealing plastic with the introduction of
heat for the past 4 hours on Wikipedia and have come to realize that this process is
too facile a solution for such a complex problem. It boggles my mind how we didn't
think of this before.
Well taking the initiative, I motivated myself to perform this task. After many
trials, I just successfully resealed the used merchandise into it's original packaging by
using a hot iron and some Elmer's glue. You could barely notice the difference.
However, there was one problem that I discovered when I resealed the package:
Rolling up a lubricated, flimsy piece of latex is quite the grueling onerous task. Luckily
after several hours, I reshaped it back into somewhat of a spherical shape that can fit
back into the original packaging with ease. I hope you are as excited as I am!
Now I know you may have some concerns with this, but you can rest assured that
I will not be charging you for the glue or the hours that it took me researching and
ardently laboring. I am also patiently awaiting the arrival of the padded envelope.
Best Regards,
Frank
Dear Mr. Couso:
Thank you for your follow up email regarding your irritation after using our
Trojan® Condom.
Although we appreciate all of the thought and the effort you have put into this,
no matter how thoroughly you re-packaged the used Trojan® Condom we will discard
any used product upon receipt.
We value your patronage and trust you will continue to purchase Church & Dwight
Co., Inc. products with confidence.
Tyisha Clark
Consumer Relations Representative
Hello again Tyisha,
I am writing to let you know that I have recieved your emergency testing
package. It arrived earlier today via standard ground mail. Also, Thank you for the
reimbursement cheque and coupon for a free Trojan item. I cannot wait to pick out a
new Trojan product to use on my dates. Do you have a personal favorite?
I am absolutely elated because now the ten dollars I recieved is going straight to
my medical bills. Now I can possibly afford the antibiotics needed to cure the infection
caused by your faulty condoms.
I am letting you know that I have just packaged everything that is needed,
including the repackaged, used merchandise. I pray that you will change your mind
about discarding the product of my ingenuity, it has taken long hours of research and
development to devise a way to do this. Are you interested in my methods of
repackaging? Think about all of the money that can be saved by repacking used
merchandise. It can be quite the profit booster in these recessive times. So knowing
this, I am currently taking bids on the schematics that I've meticulously formulated.
I look forward to your offer. Bids by email are completely acceptable as well as
payments via cheque or money order.
Thank you again for your generosity, I cannot wait to inform my physician that my first medicinal capsule is paid for.
Best regards,
Frank
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