Who else out there laughs every time they see one of these Trojan commercials?

Their newest product, "Trojan Ecstasy," with the slogan "Feels like nothing is there" is

just aching for something terrible to happen.

To whom it may concern,

  

     I've been beginning to have these unsettling feelings

lately and I feel your company is to blame. You see, whenever

I'm urinating, I experience a certain painful irritation that I

have never experienced before in my entire life. The best way

to describe it is to say that my excretory fluid is filled with

millions of microscopic razor blades tearing at the inside of

my urethra whenever nature calls.
  

     Why are you to blame? Well, I've recently discovered

your Trojan ectasy condoms from the random women that hang

around the local auto parts store at night. I'm always talking

with them and they hold your Ectasy condoms in high esteem. So

based on their recommendation, I decided that the next time I

have sexual intercourse, it will be using a Trojan Ectasy

condom.
     

     So, the other night I was ready to "do the deed" with

one of my "dates". I followed the instructions carefully and

was ready to commence a coital adventure that I will never

forget. The feeling was as intense as ever. It really felt like

nothing was there! Little did I know I was very much correct;

After climaxing, I pulled myself out and realized that the  

condom was laying there shriveled up on the tiled floor.

Stunned but grossly satisfied, I surreptiously kicked the

wayward latex underneath the table and quickly escorted

"Roberta" back to Pep Boys.
      

     Your slogan: "it feels like that there is nothing

there," is not only completely true, but also the reason for my

agonizing bathroom trips. If it wasn't for your apparitional

condoms, I wouldn't be scheduling an appointment with my

physician. I feel some sort of compensation is required on your

behalf.

                                        Sincerely,
                                         Frank      

Dear Mr. Couso:

We have received your report of irritation after using Trojan® Lubricated Condoms.

We are very sorry to learn that your experience with our product was not completely

satisfactory.  We utilize meticulous quality control and testing methods for our

products just to prevent such conditions as you describe.

We state on our packaging that no contraceptive provides 100% protection and also

state the following warning "...Do not use a petroleum based jelly, cold cream, or any

other oil based products with latex (rubber) condoms."  We also recommend that they

be kept away from excessive heat - store at room temperature.

     Since we cannot properly test opened merchandise, we would appreciate it if you

would mail to us any remaining unopened packets, so that we may have an

opportunity to examine them.  We have sent via postal mail a postage-paid mailing

label and padded envelope for your convenience.  We would also appreciate it if you

would provide us with the date code flap embossed on one end of the box.

    Although we cannot assume any responsibility in this matter, as a gesture of

goodwill, we have sent a refund for the product you purchased. Again, thank you for

taking the time to contact us.  We value your patronage and trust you will continue

to purchase Church & Dwight Co., Inc. products.

Tyisha Clark
Consumer Relations Representative

Hello Tyisha,

            
            Thank you for your timely, descriptive response - your

sincere apology has gone a long way to warm my heart.

Unfortunately, words cannot cure the fiery sensation that I am

forced to endure whenever I urinate.
   
      Using my trusty magnifying glass, I closely examined your

packaging and now I do realize that it states "no contraceptive

provides 100% protection." How foolhardy it was of me to ignore

such an obvious forebodement. Perhaps next time I'll remember

to search for the warnings that are camouflaged in the brightly

colored packaging. 
  
       I look forward to receiving the postage paid padded

envelope. Along with all the materials you've specified,

I will also send you the aforementioned used merchandise. Now I

understand that your scientists cannot properly test condoms

after they've been used, but I have faith that technology will

one day provide us with the means of doing so. I'm sure that

the used merchandise, if kept in cold storage, will retain all

of its chemical qualities and will be ready for testing once

proper means are procured.
   
      I would also like to thank you for your gesture of goodwill

in sending me a refund for your defective product. I'm sure the

$8.99 I paid for the package of condoms will cover all of my

medical costs and laboratory work.

                                         Thanks again,
                                            Frank

Dear Mr. Couso:

      Thank you for your follow up email regarding your irritation after using our

Trojan® Condom.

     Since we cannot properly test opened merchandise, we would appreciate it if you

would mail to us any remaining unopened packets along with the date code flap

embossed on one end of the box.

    We value your patronage and trust you will continue to purchase Church & Dwight

Co., Inc. products with confidence.

Tyisha Clark

Consumer Relations Representative

Hello again Tyisha,

      Thank you for the response and I understand there are some apprehensions with

mailing "opened merchandise". So trying to rectify this situation, I've been

brainstorming this issue for quite some time now and I have come to conceive that

there is a proper technique to sending the used goods.

       Now I have been studying the effects of sealing plastic with the introduction of

heat for the past 4 hours on Wikipedia and have come to realize that this process is

too facile a solution for such a complex problem. It boggles my mind how we didn't

think of this before.

     Well taking the initiative, I motivated myself to perform this task. After many

trials, I just successfully resealed the used merchandise into it's original packaging by

using a hot iron and some Elmer's glue. You could barely notice the difference.

However, there was one problem that I discovered when I resealed the package:

Rolling up a lubricated, flimsy piece of latex is quite the grueling onerous task. Luckily

after several hours, I reshaped it back into somewhat of a spherical shape that can fit

back into the original packaging with ease. I hope you are as excited as I am!

    Now I know you may have some concerns with this, but you can rest assured that

I will not be charging you for the glue or the hours that it took me researching and

ardently laboring. I am also patiently awaiting the arrival of the padded envelope. 


Best Regards,
Frank

Dear Mr. Couso:

      Thank you for your follow up email regarding your irritation after using our

Trojan® Condom.

      Although we appreciate all of the thought and the effort you have put into this,

no matter how thoroughly you re-packaged the used Trojan® Condom we will discard

any used product upon receipt.

     We value your patronage and trust you will continue to purchase Church & Dwight

Co., Inc. products with confidence.


Tyisha Clark
Consumer Relations Representative

 Hello again Tyisha,

       I am writing to let you know that I have recieved your emergency testing

package. It arrived earlier today via standard ground mail. Also, Thank you for the

reimbursement cheque and coupon for a free Trojan item. I cannot wait to pick out a

new Trojan product to use on my dates. Do you have a personal favorite?

      I am absolutely elated because now the ten dollars I recieved is going straight to

my medical bills. Now I can possibly afford the antibiotics needed to cure the infection

caused by your faulty condoms.

       I am letting you know that I have just packaged everything that is needed,

including the repackaged, used merchandise. I pray that you will change your mind

about discarding the product of my ingenuity, it has taken long hours of research and

development to devise a way to do this. Are you interested in my methods of

repackaging? Think about all of the money that can be saved by repacking used

merchandise. It can be quite the profit booster in these recessive times. So knowing

this, I am currently taking bids on the schematics that I've meticulously formulated.

   I look forward to your offer. Bids by email are completely acceptable as well as

payments via cheque or money order.

   Thank you again for your generosity, I cannot wait to inform my physician that my first medicinal capsule is paid for.


Best regards,
Frank