I just saw a commercial about how Scott tissue is now removing the cardboard tubes from their rolls of doo-doo paper. After years of technological advancements, the only thing these people can come up with is to take out the cardboard? Whoever you are, you're doing a very crappy job. 

 I must admit that the afformentioned tube did aide me in a time of emergency. One night (immediately after White castle) at a friend's bathroom I was embarking on my wiping mission when I realized the roll of paper was completely diminished. Naturally, another roll was nowhere in sight. So the next best option was to slowly peel off small strips of cardboard to substitute for the toilet paper. I'm happy to report that the improvised toilet paper got the job done. Having recalled this story, I cringe now every time I see this picture.

Dear Scott,

      After a long night of binge eating at the nearby Waffle House, I found myself

perched on my neighbor’s toilet for what seemed like hours anticipating the expulsion

of the smothered, covered, and peppered hash brown contingent that invaded the

depths of my colon. After it triumphantly completed its exodus, I turned to the near

depleted roll of toilet tissue that hung loosely on the wall. Unfortunately, the

diminishing roll of paper consisted of only four wrinkly two-ply sheets and something

noticeably strange; there was no cardboard tube! I was so shocked and horrified at

this discovery that my heart began pounding like it was trying to blast through my

chest cavity. The sudden realization that one could not successfully clean fecal

matter with only four flimsy pieces of tissue disgusted me beyond belief. Without any

cardboard to wipe with, my mind was beleaguered by a frenzied panic. Thoughts of

the Scott brand board of directors massacred by cardboard tubes and covered in

fecal matter scrambled my brain. My eyes frantically scanned the room for any sort of

wiping material. I peered over my shoulder to see the beady little eyes and menacing

smile of a Dora the Explorer bubble bath that pierced into my soul and laughed at my

every misfortune. That looming smile is the last thing I can remember. Why did you

take away the cardboard? Why did you do this to me?

       I was greeted today by an unhappy neighbor who elucidated in great detail how

the wretched smell instantaneously forced his wife to throw up when she got home

from church. He also went great lengths to explicate the importance of proper

cleanliness. Along with his diatribe, he presented me with a cleaning bill totaling for

$84.11 and a list of items that were said to be “contaminated by human waste.” The

list of items is as follows:

·         Plastic toilet paper holder

·         Heartfelt Expressions decorative bath towels (2)

·         “Chocolate Dreams” Memory foam bathmat

·         Dora the Explorer bubble bath

·         Toilet brush

·         Oral-B battery operated Spin brush

      Due to your negligence in this matter, I can only help but feel that you are

partially responsible for this calamitous incident. This could have been avoided; all

that was needed was a simple cylinder of cardboard.

***