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    Welcome to Cooz and the Gang!

Below you'll find the many channels dedicated to what we do best. Whether it's emailing a random company about their products,
 pestering the local females,
 or ranting about almost anything you will
soon find that you're visiting this site more often than is deemed healthy for a normal human being.   

                                     IKEA

 

 

      If you’ve ever had the esteemed pleasure of having seen the picture below, then you know the true meaning of pain and agony. The man depicted below is in fact, not trying to assemble a piece of furniture – alas, he is actually wondering why the fuck the damn thing keeps falling apart. IKEA furniture may be somewhat affordable and functional, but it is no way, shape or form worth the hours of cursing out every Swedish person you’ve known. (Hockey players included).

     The Swedish people instituted the Nobel Prize, honoring the greatest minds and personalities to ever roam the earth, but somehow – they can’t get a mattress to withstand a person sitting on it. Great Job guys

 

      IKEA furniture has been a staple in my bedroom for quite some time. I chose IKEA because of your outstanding track record of household excellence and savvy design approach. Recently however, your furniture has shaken my belief in the Swedish people. I've been continually victimized by several flaws in the overall construction of this bedroom set. 

     I’ve found that if I sit on the bed a certain way, the wooden supports below bend causing the mattress, as well as my ass, to come crashing down to the floor. Normally, this usually results in me having to arbitrarily jump on the other side of my Serta Perfect see-saw in a hopeless attempt to balance it. Earlier in bed today while eating breakfast, I was robbed of a slice of bacon by my dog, Gaston. I instantly lunged towards the pint-sized pork thief, nearly clutching his hind legs. As my body shifted to the other side of the bed, the mattress immediately caved-in causing my face to plummet towards the bedpost and delicious breakfast meats to be scattered about my bedroom.

    So I sit here writing to you, dizzied and with crusted maple syrup fused to my neck. Along with the sugary mess, my only sampling of this morning’s breakfast was a waffle that I found adhered to a blade of my ceiling fan. My head feels like I’ve been pummeled with a bag of frozen IKEA meatballs. Any attempt that I have made at repairing the bed has only resulted in more sections of the bed to dismember and fall apart. Please send your finest Swedish engineering team to help resolve this problem. A refund would suffice, I’m sure it is not the first time.

 

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