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Below you'll find the many channels dedicated to what we do best. Whether it's emailing a random company about their products,
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Critical Mass

 So this is the email I just sent to Nabisco, the makers of the Hot Pockets. Who hasn't experienced the depths of hell hot on outside, and freezing cold on the inside hot pocket? 




To whom it may concern,

     As i was wandering through the freezer aisle of my local mega mart I stumbled upon one of

the most entrancing items I've ever laid my eyes on: Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets.I said to

myself, "wow, a premade frozen ham and cheese pocket that i can heat up in less than 2

minutes!". Let me tell you I was exceedingly elated by this new information and could not wait to

start up my microwave.

        I followed the very informative instructions of "Place the pocket in the sleeve and

microwave for 1.5 minutes" and waited patiently as the pocket danced upon the spinning

platform. It was the longest 90 seconds of my life.

    The ringing of the microwave alarm was like a choir of angels singing one of their loving,

cherubic hymns; finally signifying that my meal was fully cooked. I immediately pulled the door

open and snatched the sizzling pocket of meat and cheese. Then I instantly pulled off the sleeve

and chomped down on the crispy, flaky crust as you advertise on the packaging. What you did not

advertise however, is the lava-like flow of cheese that erupts into your mouth like a geyser as

soon as the crust in punctured. The blast of blistering hot cheese nearly put my body into shock.


    The intense heat of the lava cheese was thankfully cooled slightly by the ice cold ham that

somehow remained frozen during the cooking process. My tongue will never be the same. Can you

send me some information concerning a better way to cook these oblong thermonuclear treats?

                            Best regards,

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